As I sit in my studio I look out at the garden. Outside the last leaves unfold as flowers open. I like the openness and light, the trees in every shade of green. I even observe the women walking their dogs down the street. But time is finite and such experiences are not enough.
In spare moments, I find myself yearning to head back to the coast, to spend a day or two on a short rocky beach, to explore tide pools and ancient lava flows. It seems so far away yet I close my eyes and I am there.
I find myself kneeling on a rocky bluff near the shore. In front of me an impression in the stone holds water. In the water, small crabs burl under rocks, star fish cling to hard surfaces, and small fish dart from side to side. As I watch I feel a hand on my arm and feel you near me.
I do not really know where you came from. One day I reached out through the darkness and you were there.
Since then, we touch each other lightly, listen with our eyes, and share with ever nod and jester. There is a flow between us as constant as the waves against the shore. There is a softness that enfolds us. Life is precious with you; every moment is a celebration of our own existence.

Razor Love

He cuts my heart like a razor; I want him to trust, to accept and to grow with. I continue to bleed longing for him… I desire to reach out and touch him, to hold him close and lift his burdens; just long enough for him to breath, just long enough for him to love...

Spring

Spring has come, rain ponds against my window at night. Cleansing my heart, washing away doubts, reorganizing my spirit. My imagination takes me to all the corners of my mind, processing, analyzing, as I lay there and listen to the sound of life. I can see the apple and cherry blossoms from my bed… The smell of the roses just beginning to bloom and the sweet, sweet of lilac rising to my window. I close my eyes and find myself absorbing the goodness that surrounds me. Spring has come...

Rambling....

I really have no idea where this is going, I just know I have this urge to write... Write about my feelings and how I feel they are all over the board... This is not the first time I have felt this form of confusion, passion or even love for another. I will say it has been some time though... I never saw it coming! He blindsided me with all his charm. I found myself behaving like a teenager and it felt wonderful. I beamed every time the phone rang, I could not wait to wake to see if he had left me another wonder greeting to start my day. I miss him! I am thrilled to know I can still feel... I am no longer numb, I am capable of loving and being loved... I am also capable of the suffering... that is the part the scars us. Each scar we form a bit of callous around us to buffer us from the next blow. Well I choose not to suffer but to rejoice in all the joy he brought me. To be thankful for the lessons I have learned along the way... I can never be accused of not loving, nor would I want to be. My heart has many cracks some deeper than others and at times it feels like my life force is escaping me. I am eager to find a partner, one who is in it for better or worse... One who equal, one who is strong, one with integrity, one who walks with me, one who can hold on, one who dreams, one who believes in magic, one who believes in love, one on one... I guess I am still hopefully to find that one!I believe in love. I believe in me.

03-19-09

I am in such a whirlwind of emotions right now, some days I do not resemble myself... I am trapped in the heart of two and I feel like at any time someone should tie me in a bag and throw me over the bridge... I am trying to sort through it all, play it over and over through my head and I just cannot see an easy way to resolve this. My gut instinct tells me to run... run and run fast... That is my true MO... I tend to run when I feel cornered, confined. The bottom line is... I am not ready or healthy enough to be in a relationship right now... How unfair is that to say to someone. I do not feel I can commit to anyone. I feel so blessed to have met these men, but there are times I think regardless of how great this feels right now... It is not fair to either man. How did I find myself in this situation? How did I ever allow things to go this far? I am more confused than ever now... I think a day at the shore is what the doctor ordered, no cell phones, no internet, just me and the sound of the crashing waves... I chant for resolve, I try to be true, I try to love... I just do not think I am capable right now. I have had my one great love, and as much as it pained to end it, I also realize I am in a far better place, that does not mean it has been easy, it means till I can stop placing expectations on others to bring those butterfly feelings back into my stomach and realize I do deserve to be happy, I think it is only then I will be able to move forward. I am also afraid of being tied down... I like this free spirit I have found... I like who I have been re-inventing... I like the woman she is... I want to travel, I want to rest, I want to replace my bike and go... I am the gypsy I have created... I need the sunshine, I need to care for my kids, I need to be able to support myself, I need to be able to write, I need to be able to get back in the studio with my art, I need to escape... Some days I cannot breath, I am loved, and I am scared!
Mars

Harry Potter Broom

True story published in the UK... had to laugh...

The Dragon

Some where inside me I know he is there. He lays just below the skins surface, I feel his presence, as though he is swallowing mine. Somewhere inside me he hides, waiting to surface, waiting to rise. I barely recognize myself when he is near, somewhere inside me he is there. I do not know where he came from, or if he will ever leave. I sit in silence, flames churn inside. He comes in darkness and sometimes in the morning light. He is deep inside this very day. He steals my smile, robbing me... Often I do not recall as he overpowers me. I just know the dragon lives inside of me.

1979
Mars Meadows

Baited

He baited me, placed the cheese and set the trap...
He Holds my heart hostage...
I fell into his trap so easily...
I fell into his plan...
Perfect play for his villainous mind...
I bared myself, completely and openly...
Allowing myself to become vulnerable...
My emotions are raw, my heart is tired...
He pulled me in close, I looked close, I saw my reflection in his eyes before he squashed me...

Stoned

Stoned

I hit the pipe… the glass warms and the pain is lifted…
I feel the blood slowly flowing through me…
I close my eyes and go deep within myself…
My head rolls to the right, memories dance throughout me…
I hit the pipe…
I inhale and my lungs constrict…
I am flush…
I am warm…
Each beat of my heart resigns meaning…
The child is still lost inside me, torn from innocents…
The teen inside me is hardly recognizable…
The Mother in me uses better judgment…
I hit the pipe…
All still dwell within me, comforting one another…
All confused…
All loved…
Memories are rich…
I hit the pipe…
Time wanders at a slow pace…
I find nirvana within myself…
Peace and passion run side by side…
While scorn and anger subside…
I hit the pipe…


Mars Meadows Culbreth 1999
© copyright, published 1999

The Night They Came for Him...

He lays there peacefully , never has peaceful sent such urgency through my vains...
My heart raced, my skin tingled...
I held back the tears as I reached for the phone...
The seconds seemed endless, till I heard the voice on the other end say "911"...
I paced in despair, a surreal state of being, numbing...
I want to chase the angels that are peering down at him...
I can feel the demons dancing in the hall...
I cradle him, as tears fall...
"I do not want to explain what happened" I lash out to the operator.
"I do not want to give your landmarks to our house" I am panicking...
The walls are closing around me, I cannot breath...
Time seemed to echo around me as he lay there so peacefully...

Remembering David Swanson
2005

by: Mars Meadows lefever

Desert Silence

That clear brisk morning riding in silence, anticipation, relaxed...
The colors span from the lightest peach tones to rich raven reds like stained lips...
The mountain rise above the rounded rolling dunes...
Sprinkling colors, capturing the newness to come...

11-15-86
My twins were born...
Mars Meadows
©Copyrights: Mars Meadows Culbreth
Published 1988

Girls and Apples

----------------Girls---------------
-----------are like apples-----------
-------on trees. The best ones-------
-----are at the top of the tree.-----
---The boys don't want to reach-------
--for the good ones because they-----
-r afraid of falling and getting hurt
-Instead, they get the rotten apples-
from the ground that aren't as good,--
but easy. So the apples up top think-
something is wrong with them when--
-in reality they're amazing. They just-
---have to wait for the right one to-
---- come along, the one who's-------
----------- brave enough to----------
---------------climb all-------------
---------------the way----------------
-------------to the top------------

Of Cats , Curiosity, and Mortality.

Of Cats , Curiosity, and Mortality.


Curiosity killed that cat? I think they got it wrong. We’ve been laboring under the stifling, perhaps even deadly, weight of a botched adage. The ‘osity’ responsible for the feline fatality had to be of a ‘serious’ not a ‘curious’ nature. The suffix “osis” according to my New American Webster Handy College Dictionary means “an abnormal condition of.” The difference between “osis” and “osity” literally “is” “ity”. “ity” along with its partner in crime “bity” amount to nothing significant. So I will use “osis” and “osity” interchangeably.

‘Curiosity’, then, is an abnormal condition of being curious, and is liable to expose you to the risks of a few bruised extremities and egos, a few startled looks of surprise, but an ever-growing knowledge of the world around you. A mild state of curiosity might just spice up your life a trifle. A rampant case of curiosity may batter and bruise, but the main risks are of a life of adventure, and a chronic smile. The curious cat is the cat that knows, or will discover, whereof he purrs. His brain cells are always on the move, and his life is comparatively rich, and mouse laden.

“Seriousity” on the other paw, is the weighty and grave state of grimaced jaws, humorless eyes, and tail dragging through the litter box anxiety. It is the abnormal state of being serious. The mildly serious cat merely spends too much time looking behind to see what’s following him (often just his tail). Often quick to startle, this tremulous tabby is often referred to as a ‘fraidy cat’. Even mild ‘seriousity’, if chronic, may result in ruined digestion, a less than satisfying social life (fewer rubs under the whiskers), and troublesome hairballs.

A rampant case of ‘serious’, particularly the condition that is left when you take yourself too seriously, may involve a batter, just like curiosity. However, the next step isn’t likely to be curiosity’s mild bruising accompanied by learning, but a deep fat frying, often accompanied by a devouring. Too much ‘serious’ tends to reduce our mental agility. A real serious cat is much more likely to limp away from a 10 foot drop, than spryly walk away like his relaxedly curious cousin. Sufficiently serious, and the cat will bounce away from the fall, exhibiting the stock market phenomenon known as the ‘dead cat bounce’ (i.e. even a dead cat will bounce if it falls far enough).

So, how do we switch from serious to curious, and save the cat? My prescription begins like this-- start with a good stretch followed by a hearty laugh. Cats are great models for this mind freeing stretch. Watch a cat stretch. They seem to be able to employ every muscle. Stretching releases muscular tensions, increases circulation, and feels incredible. So stretch, and try to involve every muscle you’ve got. Then laugh. Nothing blows through a morbidly serious mental cloud faster than the warm breeze of a good hearty laugh. If you can’t jump right into a good laugh, start with a smile, graduate into a chuckle, and finally let yourself go and laugh with your whole body. Force yourself into the smile to laugh progression, even though you may not feel like it. Pretend that you do. Follow the phony laugh with a good stretch, and laugh again. I promise by the third time you follow this recipe of stretching and laughing you’ll be feeling like you’ve dipped into the catnip, and you’ll be ready to chase a canary.

Now that you’re feeling good, it’s time to get curious. Start seriously asking yourself non-serious questions—like “…exactly how good can I feel?” and “…what opportunities are out there for me today?” Train your brain to be curious, not serious.

If you just can’t let the cat out of the serious bag on your own, you might want to explore the possibility of using hypnosis to help you with the ‘de-bagging’. A hypnotist has tools to help release long standing stress and reduce the production of ‘seriousity’. A hypnotist can also help re-tune your mind to curiosity, and help prevent another morbid cat catastrophe.

Mars Meadows
Sexual Response Educator

Krystal

I think of you often
and make no outward show,
But what it means to lose you,
no one will ever know
You wished no one farewell,
not even said good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it,
and only the God's knows why.
You are not forgotten
nor will you ever be,
As long as life and memories last,
I will remember thee.
To some you may be forgotten,
to others a part of the past,
But to me who loved you dearly,
your memories will always last.
Nothing can be more beautiful
than the memories I have of you.
To me, you were someone special;
The God's must have thought so too!
If tears could build a staircase
and memories a lane,
I would walk all the way to Heaven,
and bring you back again.

The day they came

My Life was altered that day...
Intensley I lay,
Biting my lower lip,
Breathing deeply,
I am focused,
Clinching the bed,
Joy, Tears,Scared,
Labored breathing,
heart racing,
Push

Lavender

When the sun sets lavender lingers through out my home. The lights are dimmed it reminds me that my Mothering days are fading. There is no longer a peanut butter glaze around each doorknob. No longer do I trip over mountains of tennis shoes or dirty laundry. The phone rarely rings... Yet I think of you all in such a special way as the sun sets and the lavender lingers.
I smell fall rolling in, I feel these sunny days nearing an end. The sun is setting earlier, I catch myself and pause as I close my eyes and smell the lavender a hint of mandarin orange, I allow it to kiss my nose, it calms me before I chant.
My garden will soon be gone, yet the smell of lavender will linger on.

10-01-03
Pulished

Letter To Gabe

2-17-08

Dearest Gabriel,

I sit here and wonder what you are doing? I know you do not have many options but still I daydream about you all the time. There is rarely a moment where my heart does not ache from missing you. I love you so much…. I am coming to see you tomorrow but still I sit and wonder how this ever happened. I feel so helpless as a Mother, I have always been able to help my children and now my hands are tied. I wish you peace every moment you are away. I wish you safety and health. I yearn to hold you so badly and kiss you, smell you, feel your hair and skin. You are my baby and this is not a feeling I know how to deal with. I do remind myself that we are strong, that we will get through this but there are days that seem like they last forever and it seems like an eternity since I last held you. I miss your smile, your kindness and laughter. I love you baby.
I have been surfing the net and almost all the prisons in Oregon are connected to the community college programs. Depending on where you go it will depend on which college you can receive extra training. It is still pretty vague on what courses they offer. You have always held education high. Remember education is the key to your freedom. The more you get the better you will be in the future. The more time you have your nose buried in a book the less time you will have to get mixed up with the wrong crowds. I fear that the most, you are like a chameleon, you can be friends with anyone and unfortunately this is an arena like no other. You CANNOT trust anyone… I know you are close to Sam and I pray you two will serve together, however that connection is rare. Those walls hold the worst of the worst. PLEASE, I beg you to keep to yourself as much as possible, if you meet one fiend you are lucky if you meet two you will be blessed. BUT please do not fall into this mentality. Find someone smart, someone educated to run with. I know as hard as it is to believe the racial tension in there will take its toll on you. It will be hard to witness and be subjected to such ignorance, but remember you did not come up that way. You are better than that, never challenge it, do not try to understand it, and just do not participate in it…. Walk away. Generations of ignorance have breed within those walls, be a better man than that Gabe. Stick to your own (f—k what does that even mean)? I guess it means be smart, and get smarter it is up to you what you make of this time, come home an educated man not a punk. I have always held my kids to being better and still expect it today. You are better, you are brighter, you are mine, and as hard as it may seem I am still very proud of you. I will do everything in my power to assist you in becoming a better man than you already are. I love you dearly and I am going to close for now so this can hit the mail…. I know no mail tomorrow but I will be there to visit.
Love You,
Mama

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
William Durant

The first and finest lesson that parents can teach their children is faith and courage.
Smiley Blanton

Gabriel's Time

11-09-07
Dear Gabe…..
I am looking forward to coming and visiting you. It will be nice to look into your big blues. I have to leave for work pretty soon so I am trying to pound one out to you before I have to split. I am going to have to take my disc of family pictures up to Fred Meyers and use their machines to try and print off some pictures for you, my computer is not working well for that any longer.
I got a call from Brian and he wants me to get you his address. I am hopeful he will also write you a personal letter character letter. I am going to try and have lunch with him this week coming up.
Hmmmm…. Questions I have?
Where is the title to the car? I think it is best I sell it.
Your Les Schwabe bill I am going to pay off for you to help you keep your credit clean…..
Your hospital bill I am going to call and tell them you are incarcerated.
I canceled the insurance….
Can you ask you attorney if there is a piece of paper or a form you could sign making me a proxy ( proxy….the authority to act for another, so that I can have the authority to respond to things for you).
I am going to go ahead and buy some tubby’s and pack your stuff up to store. I want your stuff protected and safe. Tyler says your stereo is valuable so I was hoping I could put it in my car, by the time you come home you will want something completely different.
Is there anything you would like me to get or give to someone?
What addresses would you like me to get you? Grama Pat, Uncle James, Cousin Megan? I gave Trillian your address last night and gave it to Q a week ago.

OK>>>>>>>> speaking of Trillian! You DAWG! You are killing Rick, it was so funny at Bunco when she told us she was your 21st birthday present….. LOL! I though Rick was going to fall over. LOL…..good taste! Trillian has moved out and took her kids with her leaving Q with his two and seems to be adjusting ok. I am going to help her find a dining room table, since we have the pick up we are going to keep searching craigslist and get her set up. She seems to be doing just fine…… she said she feels sorry for Q, but how long was she going to stay there and be emotionally abused. I personally thin Q is still in the closet but that is just my take! LOL!

I am glad she is my friend. Well doll face, Barbara is really worried about you and I am sure we will laugh and cry together this weekend, but I need to get away for a day or two.

I am going to Chant with Connie Barr today, I need to start practicing my faith daily. You and I could synchronize our chanting so we would be chanting at the same time everyday. Many will think you are crazy. Many will ask questions but it is your chance to teach others. I have many books that I am going to see if the bookstore at the community center can get from there supplier and mail them to you, Faith is a powerful tool, remember when it healed Joel’s Jaw? So if you get a package from NW Wisdom Bookstore you will know it is religious information.

I love you….. Bury your nose in books, OH, I would recommend you buying some earplugs…. To drowned out all the sounds at night, but you may also find that it helps when you chant….. You will feel a strong vibration. If you begin to see colors (mostly yellow) it is not unusual, the power of pray and the internal vibration can often leave you feeling euphoric.

I love you…..
Mama

My Baby Gabe

Dearest Gabe…
Well here I sit writing my sweet baby boy once again it was really nice to see you on Sunday. It seemed odd to me to be able to see you two times in one week. I am sorry that I got emotional on you. It is hard for me as well as it is for you. I am so sorry you are having to endure such a suffering and can only hope that a part of you remains in tact. I Love you so much and it is hard for me to accept the terms of your confinement.

Then there is the other side that kicks in and reminds me you were doing some pretty bad things and if you were not stopped it may have just escalated. I was losing you and I beat myself up all the time wishing I could have done things differently. You are a good kid but lets face it you were you to some pretty shifty stuff. I give you credit for being such a hard worker and putting on a front to make me believe differently…. it worked. It just feel’s icky. I feel like I can share anything with you, I trust you 100% and Gabriel that is hard. I hope you know how much I love you and would do anything to assist you, but you really did know the risks you were running and I think once you come to terms with the internal part that is still suffering and try to understand it all, you will finally have some peace.

This is certainly not because of the way you were raised, some horrific trauma, some broken heart. You had all the tools to better yourself and you choose to become self-abusive. All the talks, all the nights up with you, so that you could drown yourself with substances to numb a broken heart. Son you have matured more in the last eight months than you have in two years. I am so sorry this is the only way you had to become clean and realize no one is worth doing time for…..NO ONE!

So where do we go from here? I can only hope you come out a healthy man ready to accomplish great things. The world is yours for the asking. You can do what ever you put your mind to! You have great family support, we are all willing to help you any way we can. That is far more than many have in there! If you can adjust to prison, life on the outside should be a cakewalk. It hurts me to see you are suffering and things are getting to you…. They are always going to get to you…. One of Barb’s favorite statements is show up, shut up and smile…. NO ONE in there is worth your freedom…. NO ONE! They may have you by the balls but baby they can never take your spirit…. That is yours!

You may meet some really nice people just like yourself, first timers but remember not to absorb their problems, it will only make your time harder. I am hopeful that by summers end you will be minimum and if you are not transferred by then you will get a great job that brings you a bit of joy. I chant for your happiness and peace of mind daily. Do you chant at all? I will call Dave Hopper tomorrow and see if he can get some Buddhist literature to you quickly. It is very hard if you do not have the books for study.

I keep getting people who say they are going to write you (pen-pals) so please tell me if you get any mail ok? I hope Joel is able to come see you soon… I know it meant the world to you to see him. I must admit I know how much you admire Tyler but really think about how his life is turning out… I love all my kids but Gabriel, Tyler is not the one you should idolize, he is not mature at all and is stuck in a ghetto mind set. You are better than that….. I know you love him, we all do but you need to surround yourself with people who want to achieve a higher quality of life.
I love you deeply, I continue to chant for resolve, peace for you and freedom for all of us.
Mama
The Momster

Sammy

May 7th, 2008

Dear Sam,
Here I sit on yet another damp and dank day. I wanted to let you know that your buddy and pal has landed in the Valley, but only because I had to play hardball with the DA. So I am glad he is close to me yet I have not been able to see him, I wonder how long it takes to get on the visiting list. He said he has still not seen his counselor. I went and spent some more really great time with your folks the other day. It is very clear the love you to pieces! I asked them if I might be able to ride out there one time with them. I would love to re-visit that are while they visit you. Your Mom told me how they played games and sent you back all the critical information you needed to get them on the list. I am certain once they return from California you will be there next great adventure! They also told me that your girly friend came to visit you and you got to suck face! BEWARE sweet one….. girls are evil, especially if you are doing time. Do not let her spin your heart out of control. You are such a handsome young man and one day you will have women flock to you, so without sounding to much like an old nag, I will stop….no not quite yet. I have a lot of experience with this. My first husband is still doing time, thirty years later. I am still in touch with him. I have visited inmate in six states and have participated in many acts I am not very proud of. I have since then seasoned, became a mother and prayed I would never have to see one of my kids inside. When they were little, I would take them to visit a friend of mine hoping to scare the B-Jesus out of them. But as you know it had little impact on their decisions later one. I think that most young people think they are invincible and will never be caught. Well as you look around you can tell that could not be any further from the truth. I know you, me Gabe and your folks and both of our families will survive this, many have gone before you…. However the pain and suffering from all parties is some days unbearable. You have such a great outlook and a positive attitude, DO NOT ever allow them to take that from you. It is to easy to grow bitter, hateful at the rest of the world from inside there. Always remember you have a great family and friends and lots of people who do love and support you. They may be able to house your body but NEVER let them have your spirit….That is what makes you unique! Gabriel is at:
Oregon State Correctional Institution
3405 Deer Park Drive SE
Salem, Oregon 97310-9385

Your Mom also said you have seen more fights than you ever have in your life, you will probably get numb after awhile and think nothing of them…. Well some of the dullest tacks in the drawer dwell amongst you. Gabe has not had that problem yet however he is feeling way out of his element, he is used to having friends and I remind him that no one is your friend inside! The cells where he is are some of the smallest in the sate 6x8 and he has a really fat 21-year-old Muslim roomy who snore like a tornado and spends most of his time on his knees chanting. He does no have a window and his head is 2 feet from the toilet. Well actually his cellies is, his cellie is to fat to be on top, and Gabe of course hangs off the bunk (short). He has found one little guy to work out with but I am sure after a couple weeks he will better adjusted. They only have two table in the cafeteria for neutral inmates ( Not SO, Not Gang affiliated) so he is finding it hard to eat because he always winds up at the un-neutral tables since there is so little seating. Thank god he is large. Like you he will come out a buffed up pimping machine but for now he is just trying to find his own way.
Be Good and don’t think I am going to stop sending you eye candy!
The Momster…. Mars

Sammy, Sammy, Sammy

April 29.2008

Dear Sam…..
Here we are again… Your folks are off baking in the sun and have left me behind in this dreary hellhole called Portland. It is wetter than a whore on Friday night! I am telling you I am starting to get webbed toes…. I have always waddled due to being as chunky as I am and to having a pretty botched up knee job three years ago, so I guess if I have webbed feet it would just seem fitting!
Well your pal Gabe misses you and has had a funny, not so funny thing happen to him. First off he is STILL at coffee creek! He is still waiting for them to find a place to put him…. I told his counselor that home would be just fine with me, but he actually had no sense of humor and I frankly I would not expect anything less than a poorly paid hack. But I tried!
So you leave CCC and Gabe arrives… Well they end up placing Gabriel in your old cell and yes in your old bunk! Odd huh…. Well as you know the kid you were sharing with was a Gabriel also…. So now you have Gabe sleeping in your old bunk with a kid who shares the same name….
But here is where it gets rich…. Someone tripped the fire alarm and set off the sprinkler system, so they all were moved to a different unit till the fire department could arrive. Well they both sit down to watch a ball game when out of nowhere 11 inmates charge up and call them Rape-o-s! Gabriel jumped to his feet and said what did you call me? They said we want no problem with you it is your cellie…. They wonder why Gabe has not put him in check? Gabe says he does not check papers and it is not his place to judge anyone! So they continue on with lil Gabe and he is scared to death saying he does not have any papers, that he was in there for rob 1! They do not buy it. So he asks Gabe do you have my back? And Gabe has to say no dude I do not…. I am doing my own time! You will have to find your own way, but stuttering and stammering will not help. Stand up to them…. Do not let them bully you… Well that is easy for Gabe knowing his size. But for mini Gabe it is not so easy and as you know he is from a very small town and has no street sense! So Gabe turns to call me, feeling a bit stressed over the situation. He is bummed out cause this kid has lied to him and he knows it is going to follow him back to his unit. So when the lights go down and they all are snug as bugs he confesses to Gabe that he is a Rape-o, and is scared. Gabriel told him he should be. He said someone can murder a whole village and not have as hard of time with things as you will being in there for rape. Sooooo….mini Gabe goes on to tell him his last cellie…..Hmmmmmm we know who that is….LOL, has told him to tell people he was down for armed robbery…. Kinda like his friend named Gabriel he met in county! YOU nut! I love you…. It is true you have a heart just like my son and would not want to see harm done to anyone. Gabriel and me have had a good laugh over it all but soon Gabriel will be moved and mini Gabe will be thrown to the wolves.
I have told Gabe that he is going to witness some of the most horrific acts of inhumanity and that he cannot allow it to effect him because if he does his time will be far worse than theirs. People will always seek Gabe out because of his good nature and his size seeking protection…. Gabriel is a marshmallow not a thug! But he can be assured that many are that no matter where he goes people will seek him out for protection, and unless he wants to get into the mix he needs to avoid it at all costs. Right now at CCC he has the gay-go’s following him around like puppets. I just want him out of CCC and on with his journey. I will keep you filled in on any changes that may occur and let you know where he is….
Take care, dear friend know I am thinking of you and that HELL yes I am going to be jealous of your Mom’s tan! She is Tan and I am rusted! I hope to hear from you soon. I would love to access you’re my space so I could send you pictures of your friends…. But that is up to you.
Till Later!
PS(I cannot believe you told your Daddy that I sent you eye candy!, God I died a hundred deaths of embarrassment!) BUT I won’t stop!

Peace,
Mars

Dear Sammy

3-26-08

Dear Sam…..
Just a short note before I have to head out for work…. I am kinda having a streak of bad luck! It started with Gabe being sentenced, then coming home from Molalla from Easter Sunday my car broke down on a country road and we had to have it towed in…. costing way more than I expected….. So now I have a broken car and no money to fix it! Then last night after riding the bus home from working all day (2 hour ride one way) I came home to a sticker on the door that my water was shut off! When I placed the clothes in the dryer that were already wet the dryer broke…… GOOD GOD! Can I cop a break… I know you would trade me in a minute for my problems but some days I just can’t seem to shake this dark cloud that follows me! My husband is finally working a full time job WAHOOOOOO! But the checks have not started coming yet, and he is still doing his hypnosis on the side! Gabe said he saw you on the way back from the dentist…. He said it made you both smile big…. He cannot call me from there because I do not have a land line. I do know that once he gets sentenced somewhere (oh I hope with you!) I will add another cell phone to my plan it is important you tell your folks this. No matter where they send you if you get a cell in that community your calls will then be considered local and the cost will only run around $1.75 for 15 minutes. If you have to call long distance it goes up to about $3.00 a minute. Sooooooo, something to think about. I need your dad to call me…. You must think I am retarded for asking for the number so many times, but that was another piece of my misfortune, I dropped my phone and it broke into four pieces, adding yet another keen unexpected expense to my ever so fragile financial situation. So I lost all the numbers I had in my phone….lucky me! I am looking for a part time job, but then I decided that for three years I supported my husband while he ventured out in his own practice… I want the freedom to go see Gabe this summer, so I am not going to be looking for anything till fall. I have also looked into campgrounds so that when I go to see Gabe I can camp. What fun and inexpensive way to do it. If you get sent to Snake your parents really need to call me. I have some great info for them. I found this lady who has a bed and breakfast for families at snake. She only charges $20.00 and will drive them to and from the prison. And I have more, up my sleeve, just call me Miss resourceful. I am going to have to see how I can come see you as a spiritual mentor since I am ordained…. I can’t see Gabe under those terms (because I am his mom) but I should be able to see you that way. Ask them how can your minister come see you and does it count against visiting and such? Well I better wrap this up go stand in the pouring rain and hop the 33 into town for work…. Be good, I know your mail is limited but I am not going anywhere…. I have two boys down, so you are stuck with me, and all my bad luck to boot!
The Momster….
Mars

Dear Matthew

Dear Matthew,
Thank you for the short but sweet letter letting me know you were thinking of me…

Well….

No things are not well here, I am in survival mode, so if there is some delays in my correspondence please understand right now my plates is so full…

Rick has moved out, I have moved on, I have to move ASAP, He drained my account, broke my heart and I am some how relieved…ODD!

I just am a bit overwhelmed right now…. I am confident things well slow down once I am legally separated and in a new place.

Be patient, I am just on the other side of the moon…..

Who knows if we will ever see one another, but if not I have a lifetime of memories to cherish. I will attach the letter I sent out last week when he left at 10:30pm last Wednesday!

August 27th, 2002

Dear Friends and Family,

I wish I was better prepared to address this issue, however it comes with great pain and sorrow.

Rick has made a decision to move forward in his life without me any longer. I will not ever regret a minute we have shared together and will cherish many years of great memories. However he has made the decision to move in with another women he cares greatly for. I have learned over time that there are very few things in my life that I cannot do, and the one that always comes to mind first is “ I cannot change other people”, he is right people do change and grow in different directions, however the day he slipped my wedding ring on my hand, I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world and that there was nothing we could not work through as a team. Sadly, tonight I feel a wide range of emotions most not very pleasant. In time I hope to recuperate from the loss and betrayals.

I feel rich for having met so many wonderful people over the course of our relationship; I will remain hopeful that I can still rely on them. Now is when I will count on you all to find my strengths. I am in a terrible awkward position right now and truly have no idea how I will be recover anytime soon. There are so many loose ends, so many unanswered questions, and financial burdens. I can proudly say with no regrets that I have loved him like with whole heart and will continue to love him for sometime.

Life takes many mysterious turns, many for the best, however it really does not feel so great right now. Tomorrow we will both wake in different homes with different dreams and future, tomorrow we grow, regroup and try to be true to self.

There is an old proverb that goes something like this…
“Just when the caterpillar thought it’s world was about to end, it was then she became a butterfly”

Peace,
Mars

Letter To Matthew 6-08

June 14, 2008


Dear Matthew,
Sorry I have not really been in the writing mood. I have a lot on my plate and I am trying to get the photos to you ASAP. When I do write it is generally to Gabe, he is all consuming. It is straining my marriage, but we are trying to get through it together. Rick was actually going to leave last week, but I convinced him my marriage was worth fighting for. And I truly believe that!
Our baby girl Elena is going to give us the first grand-baby in February, so that is cool.
E-bay there does not appear to be any one section for just prison art. Anyone can sell anything on the net…anything. Even used panties… ick!
The nude photos were most likely of your gal-pal that you flew out and took to the beach with you. LOL, those are the pictures I showed the FBI when they asked me about her…They asked me what she looked like and I said oh I know how just about every inch of her looks….I will never forget their faces…. They were like how did you come across these photos? I laughed and said you left the film in my camera…. It truly was funny at the time. I am glad to hear you are getting the photos and I will try to remember to get the cell number part right from now on.
Are you allowed to write other inmates? Gabe is allowed to write others but I wonder if that is just a Oregon thing. I guess you could write him and send it here, I would forward it. But here is his address, as you know how important mail call is. He would respond.

He is doing well, has got into school and is working full time in the kitchen, he has climbed really fast pissing off other inmates but the supervisor (another inmate) told them to Fuck Off! Gabriel is a hard worker and they recognized it. So he works out in the yard from 9 to 10:30, works from 10:30 to 7pm, goes to school 7-9pm, then has 1.5 hours left to watch a movie…. Pretty tight routine, but it keeps him out of trouble. I need to wrap this up now you know I do know how to write…. Gas is $4.21 cents a gallon up here….way crazy!
Peace,
Mars

You are always in my heart and prayers, can you believe our journey started 35 years ago… Look where we are today… Sad but True!

Letter to my treasured friend Mattew

July 3rd, 2008

Dearest Matthew,
I am just doing fine, treading water and trying to keep my smile. Rick is trying his best to assure me he is working on our marriage… I feel it but ya know when it just does not seem real sincere…hmmmmm! So I have prepared myself mentally and emotionally to walk away if he as so much as asks me, do you really think this is going to work? UGH! So help me god just one more time and I will say think you are right, I do not think it will work. He may be stunned he may be relieved but I am under NO circumstances am I fighting for him this time… I am too damn tired. I have begun packing my stuff and only mine, he watches daily as the mountain of my life’s treasure begin to climb high along my kitchen walls, like a cave. I am NOT packing one thing for him! No sir ye! That way when we go we go together or apart, and frankly I do not care which one it is I am becoming a minimalist, all this crap around me is just stuff, poof it will be gone with one mega garage sale. I just have to keep him out of the boxes, I pack it he unpacks it…. I am parting with mountain sized responsibilities, bobbles, trinkets, china, photographs, knickknacks, books, shit. It is all just an immense responsibly. I am overwhelmed.

I am sorry if you do not want your photos but as long as I write I am freeing myself their care, you are the rightful owner and you should treasure them.

I can hardly believe that you had a heart attack. You are a fit, healthy, older than dirt man! What on earth would have brought this on? Are further tests and studies being done? I am stunned; speechless actually, that is hard to leave me without speech! Somewhere with age, I have lost the filter between my brain and my mouth…. I am so sincerely sorry for your ill fate. I will keep you in my closest prayers.

Peace,
Mars

Letter to Elena

August 22, 2005

Dearest Critter,
It is very early on Sunday the 21st, 2:45 am… it is hot and I cannot sleep. Nothing like the kind of hot you are experiencing but hot for here. I am sorry I have been so bad about writing, I am trying to work every free minute so that I can prepare for taking time off with my surgery. I have it scheduled for the 16th of September. Today it hurt so bad I wanted to call the surgeon and move it up a couple weeks. Your letters are wonderful; I really look forward to seeing them in the mailbox… You are almost DONE! Yahoo! You did it… Your last letter had me concerned with the small mental capacity of some of the higher ranked officers. I know they think it is their job to educate you and try and prepare you for any situation, however watching graphic videos of people getting tortured does not sound at all like a normal or even productive approach to trying to make you a better solider. I cannot believe it, you really are a solider… So you are heading off to Texas….hmmmmm, you know my feelings about TEXA S! I am assuming you will be going to San Antonio? Down on the Alamo! The River walk is about the only thing besides the Alamo worth seeing besides the River Walk… That is an awesome underground shopping and dining experience… But you should be able to find your Daddy an armadillo or two for his growing collection. On that base when I stayed there nit drove me nuts because they would blow revelry at the crack of dawn…. You would here the bugle blow from quit a distance. It actually is a great sound. BUT you know I have never been a real good morning girl.

What’s new here? I am working on a book. I got the story lines from our honeymoon and my writing was recently selected by a student at PSU to do a thesis on my work… pretty cool. I broke down and was having really bad Big Boy withdrawals so I started seeking a cat. I knew what I wanted and I investigated many foster homes and rescue facilities. I first fell for this beautiful female feline, I knew she was really skittish and like to hide but when I handled her she was so calm… I loved her little face and her BIG potbelly. Her name was miss Kitty but your Daddy and I renamed her Miss Mojo!

Ok, I find that this letter keeps getting saved and is not being put in the mail? So it is my goal to wrap this up before I head to work for a 10-hour day. All is good her like I said we are just hanging out. Your Dad is working so much that it is hard for us to actually match schedules. But the time we do share together is rewarding. Dale has moved back in with us….JOY- JOY…. Friggle- fraggle. He has been here less than a week and is already starting to wear on my nerves. He is such a womanizer.

My surgery is 9-16 and I think your dad goes to SC on the 23, I think. I wish you well you sweet angel. I am so proud of you…. I knew you could make it, no matter what happens in life I am confident you will land on your feet. Stay true to yourself.
Love you Critter,
Mars

Bill

He came to me when I least expected it…
His words are true and genuine…
Two skeptics…
Two scared souls…
Trying to find our way…
He came to me when I least expected it…
His spirit captured me…
He makes me smile…
He rides…
He came to me when I least expected it…
Struggling to make sense…
My heart races…
My head questions…
My dreams are clear…
He came to me when I least expected it…

Pot

Another good example of your brain on Pot...

Sign of the times....

Signs of economic struggles...

My Personal Ad

They sure don't make them like they used to! Classic model Pink Cadillac now available: Vintage 1957 with one original owner. Modest mileage and engine purrs like a kitty Original rag top, loves to be popped open on year round. A few dents and scratches but overall in Kelly Blue book FAIR to GOOD condition. Dependable, fully equipped and finely tuned. Ready to travel. No liens or trailers. Lots of rubber left on tires. Fully maintained and ready to make any short jaunt or long trip you might have in mind. Has a bit of rust under the hood but nothing that could not be sanded down with a soft touch! Occasional services are required but the best gas mileage you will get on the road in today's market! Seeks similar model 1963 - 1942, for evening drives, weekend exploring, occasional sprint races, and possible long distance road trip. Must have the ability to maintain fluid levels and use a soft cloth to wax. Someone who wants to accentuate that they don't make them like they used to and you are built to last, strong chassis, etc., A classic Rolls, not a broken down Yugo, come blow your horn at my garage. I come with some baggage as most of do but maintain good records and ready to throw it all on a roof rack and willing to dump it along the highway if you are as well to do the same. Seeking VERY tall, race or ethnicity unimportant, gainfully employed, responsible single/divorced/widowed masculine driver with loads of stamina to take me for a test drive and possible let me park next to you for a while.
Pink Princess

DWF, 51, 5'10, platinum blond hair and piercing green eyes. I am bi-sexual and am currently seeing a few from each gender.

I am not looking to be rescued, move in or even maintain a FWB status.

I am a local hairdresser who caters to many in alternative lifestyles. I am also a licensed wedding officiant and enjoy that job greatly and does call for some traveling which I love, the only difference for me now is I no longer have to maintain a marriage and good things are coming my way.

Peace

Smiles

Who said a smile was worth a million words.... I have no idea how I ran across this photo but it makes me smile so I thought I would share it with you all. It is hotter than hell today and I need to find someone to get in trouble with....

Dreams

So even though I have a pretty good idea of what the dream symbolizes, I looked up some key words in an online dream dictionary.
· Water: To see water in your dream, symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment. To dream that water is boiling, suggests that you are expressing some emotional turmoil. It also may mean that feelings from your unconscious are surfacing and ready to be acknowledged. To dream that water is rising up in your house, signifies your struggles and overwhelming emotions.
· Voices: To hear voices in your dream, signifies a message from the unconscious or spiritual realm.
· Drowning: To dream that you are drowning, signifies that you are overwhelmed by emotions or repressed issues that is coming back to haunt you. You may be proceeding too quickly in trying to discover your unconscious thoughts and therefore must proceed more cautiously and slowly. If you drown to death, then is refers to an emotional rebirth. If you survive the drowning, then a waking relationship or situation will ultimately survive the turmoil.
· Window: To dream that you are looking out the window signifies your outlook on life, your consciousness, point of view, awareness, and intuition. You may be reflecting on a decision and seeking guidance. To see shut windows in your dream signifies desertion and abandonment. To see shattered and broken windows, denotes misery and disloyalty.
· Bed: To see your bed in your dream represents you intimate self and discovery of your sexuality. If you are sleeping in your own bed, then it denotes security and restoration of your mind.
· Bedroom: To dream that you are in the bedroom signifies aspects of your self that you keep private. It is also indicative of your sexual nature.
· "I'm Being Chased”: Chase dreams is one of several common dream themes. As with most of the common dreams, they often stem from feelings of anxiety in your walking life. Running is an instinctive response to physical threats in your environment. In these dreams, you can be pursued by an attacker, an animal or an unknown figure, who wants to hurt or possibly kill you. In turn, you run, hide or try to outwit your pursuer. Your actions in the dream parallel how you respond to pressure and cope with fears, stress or various situations in your waking life. Instead of confronting the situation, you are running away and avoiding it. Ask yourself who is the one chasing you so that you can gain understanding and insight on the source of your fears and anxieties.

The pursuer or attacker who is chasing you in your dream may also represent an aspect of yourself. Your own feelings of anger, jealousy, fear, and possibly love, can assume the appearance of threatening figure. The shadowy figure can also symbolize rejected characteristics of your self. You may be projecting these feelings onto the unknown chaser. Next time you have a chase dream, turn around and confront your pursuer. Ask them why they are chasing you. Perhaps you are running away from something. What are you trying to run from?

If you are the one doing the chasing, then the dream may highlight your drive and ambition to go after something you want. Or perhaps the dream suggests that you are falling behind and having to catch up with everyone else.

Consider the distance or gap between you and your pursuer. This indicates your closeness to the issue. If the pursuer is gaining on you, then it suggests that the problem is not going to go away. The problem will surround you until you confront and address it. However, if you are able to widen the gap between your pursuer, then the problem is becoming less and less of an issue. You are able to successful distance yourself from the problem. In essence, the problem is fading away.

A more direct analysis of chase dreams is the fear of being attacked. Such dreams are more common among women than men, who may feel physically vulnerable in the urban environment. These dreams are inspired by fears of violence and sexual assault in which we are so over-exposed from the media, which magnifies such fears.


Nothing in here is a big surprise. In the dream, I feel frightened, anxious, shocked and exhausted
I never see the face of the man in my dreams. But my gut instinct is that it is my father. I can hear the voice, and although it doesn’t sound exactly like him, it’s a decent guess. The other thing of note is that things move either very fast or very slow in the dream. The water seems to crash over me at hyper speed. But my fighting my way out of the pipe is very slow.
The second man that comes to me in my dreams is almost demonic; once again the face never really comes in clearly… I suspect this is my older brother, running and he is so close I am afraid he is gaining on me and I am scared I run into my bedroom, I see myself sitting on the bed looking at him through a shattered window as he is looking for me.

I smell her cum...

I can smell her cum all over my room
Lingering like rotting fruit
Sickening to my soul
My eyes bleed crocodile tears
My heart a parachute waiting to open

Water Bears

What is up with these things.... Gross! I recommend everyone to read up on them, they are called "Water Bears". They can withstand any temp., radiation and even acid! Scientist have yet to find any species they could be related to..... I seriously think they are aliens, check out their little eyes on each tenicle, how come they have just been discovered, why can't we relate them to any species? They freak me out. So next time you decide to go throw down in the woods, remember they live in moss, ECK!

Humane Society

The Oregon Humane Society is on the look out for a mystery Pedophilia, that’s right.... he is being sought after the incriminating photos were found on his home computer. Found by Stilla Waters a long time friend and babysitter for the accused. The photos clearly show lude acts between breeds.... Cross Breeding of this nature could land you in Jail for nearly life... This new sought after breeds are called a Kig in the underground world.... Kig's are becoming in more demand than just the ordinary kitten or pup.... The kig is known to snuggle close at night and has a bite like a bulldog if disturbed, warding off un-solicited sexual acts.... or to keep the bed hogging husband on his own side.... It is like sleeping with your own Private detective without having to cut him a check every two weeks..... Or cook him those lil sweets he, oh another story.... Please be on the look out for anyone who may breeding kigs....Feel free to notify OHS if you have any information....

I Dwell

I dwell in a big loud colorful world, where adversity and diversity meet the pavement. Just a couple things I savior:
Balloon Characters, roller coasters, children’s laughter, fat cats, pink anything, birthing babies, creative writing, dove soap, fire dancing, naked anything, fudge sundaes after midnight, bubblegum, diamonds, adventure, fishing, scrabble, nocturnal, travel, Thai food, hula hoops, photography, skinny dipping, boating, diamonds, storms, beetlejuice, recycling, elephants, drumming circles, high caloric foods, volunteering, hiking, Sauvie Island, shooting guns, snorkeling, full moons, numbers 24,15,13, Temple, art, chanting, daffodils (7), on and on and on…. To be continued still growing up!

Sponge Bob

Earlier today Sponge Bob was found laying face up, passed out cold from attending a local meet and greet, it appears he cannot handle his jello shots. His family lives in shame to this day for his reckless behavior...... Bob Junior refused to give comment but said the family was saddened by Bob senior’s behavior.... Stay tuned more to come....

Take Time

Take The Time

Take the time my friend and you may see what lays inside,
My protective heart hides the smile that glows from time to time,
Deep beyond the shadows, lay a tender heart that flies,
Dreams that twist and turn and hope that never dies,
Faith that holds the secret key to trust and great pride,
Joyful silence masks the madness from time to time,
Playful giggles that masquerade the lies,
Scars that bind me to my past, passion heals the lines they have left,
Memories I hold dear from a child’s eye,
Parent love and sibling’s tears, countless patterns of my fears,

So if you take the time my friend you may just see what lay’s inside.

Mars Meadows Lefever
Urban League Center
Published 2005 Copyright ©

The Committee

The Committee

Self I should not have eaten that truffle... grrgh
Guilt Why Not? If had been me, I would have eaten the whole box and danced naked in front of the mirror all night…
Self My skin will surly break out.
Goddess Guilt, give it a rest… Your skin is beautiful, truffles are so yummy.
Self Now I have to brush my teeth…. Great, I hope no one can tell?
Guilt Notices…. (Sinister chuckle), whom are you kidding?
Self I am so excited about tonight. He always makes me feel so good. I want to look so good it drives him crazy with curiosity!
Goddess You go girl…. Paint it, shake it, tease um…. Hmmm wear the thigh highs and paint for toes that ruby red…. You know that drives him crazy!
Guilt Please……He is far too generous with his compliments…. Come on now look at those thighs, maybe you should just eat one more Truffle.
Goddess This is no time for you guilt to come raining on our parade…let her have some pride. You are splendid, don’t pay attention to guilt.
Guilt Oh Goddess you try so, so hard…. You coach her, I control her!
Self What am I going to wear? Man, I have so many great clothes, thigh highs, yes I think so, and that long black slinky dress…oh that plunging neck line and heels hmmm.
Goddess You will be smashing, that blonde hair, those pearly teeth and oh I love that Ciara perfume.
Guilt You are both mad…. Come on now…. that dress shows every single bulge, every lil truffle ha-ha and you thought no one would notice…
Self Oh no, I look so fat…. Is my nail polish dry yet? He loves this dress. I hope the people tonight are nice, I hate meeting new people. (Labored breathing). Maybe I should just take a panic pill now… He hates when I take those, I hate when I take those… Maybe I just should not go….
Goddess NOT GO….. Come on you know how much both of you were looking forward to tonight, smile, stand up straight, smile again. You know I am with ya… every eye is going to be on you two…..
Guilt Take the pill… (Snicker), take it! Maybe it will make you sick and then you won’t have to go…. TAKE THE DAMN THING….
Self If I don’t go he will pretend it is ok, but deep inside I will know that he’ll be disappointed. I hate when I feel like this!
Guilt Yes. Yes you do, you always conjure up ailments when you have to go out… WHY??? Surprise…. because I like to mess you up, hold you prisoner, you are so easily intimidated.


Goddess Shame on you guilt, shame on you. Come on now, Everyone loves you dear; you go ahead and make him so proud when you go out tonight. You have to ignore this guilt, he is starting to sound a tad bit like shame. Take a nap, rest up, you will be fine…. Just DON”T back out of going or you’ll regret it.
Self I need to rest this is exhausting. Why do I behave like this when we have plans?
Guilt (Snicker-snicker) you won’t go.
Goddess Oh I believe she will go, with no pills and with no guilt!
Guilt You actually think I’ll be left out….. hardly
An hour later... Waking from nap……………….
Self Oh, six o’clock… I have to hurry! Oh I can hardly wait. I melt when he smiles from ear to ear. I can’t wait to get out of here tonight; I am finding it hard to breath.
Partner I am home (he yells from the backdoor)
Self (Beaming)I’m so glad you are here….
Partner You, look great… How do you feel?
Goddess Magnificent… I would say. (Smile)
Self I am fine thanks, can we hurry?
Partner Wow, you are stunning. Hey, don’t change a thing… I’ll be right out. I still don’t see what you see in me?
Self (Giggle) I love you. I’m just a bit anxious though and want to kinda hurry; I’ve been looking forward to going out.
Guilt Great… Looks like I will be left at home to eat truffles and dance in front of the mirror all night…unless….
Self Honey I’ll be in the car, hurry please…
This is a writing trying to give the reader an inside look,
At just one conversation with myself and my committee
(You know those little voices we all hear; some of us just hear them more often).
I know I am not alone.

Mars Meadows
Reflection Group
Published 2005
Mars Meadows Lefever copyright©

Missing Yet Growing...

This morning I woke to froze clinging to the windows, no sign of spring in sight. I pull my covers over my head in hopes that there is still time for me to gracefully arise for my deep sleep… I reach to a cold empty spot next to me, a void, I long to wake entwined with my mate, slow kisses on his neck, cold feet looking for sanctuary. Today I wake alone.
I have a pretty simplistic routine, however I can visualize several alternatives, all which begin with love of self and partnership. I am not a morning girl so often you will hear primal sounds spewing from my lips, stretching longing to touch, to be touched.
Sipping my tea while I whittle through a crossword puzzle… I present myself before my Alter and sit silent for a few minutes taking in cleansing breaths and releasing and fears or apprehension that have built up through the night… I dream of what I so long for and breath… as I begin to chant the house begins to vibrate as the tones rolls from my tongue. I love when someone else enjoys this harmonic tone from deep within. Nearly thirty minutes have past my mind body and soul to be aligned to greet the new day… I begin to find my smile.
Showering together is such an intimate act yet so primal to cleanse our mates while flesh rubs against one another while the warm waters pound down on us.
I would love to find a corner in Powell’s and read passages from a trashy novel and comedy or American lit. I would love to walk the boardwalks the adorn the cities waterfront… I wonder if the open market is open and will they have fresh parsnips for tonight stew. I hope to see some season fresh flowers that are a must have to beatify the dining table at home. I look across the way and see you exchanging banter with the local artist. Coffee, tea anything warm to sip on while we sit along the curb and exchange comments and giggles about the silly things we see in one another… or discuss human rights, the arts, or who is going to win the game of scrabble that awaits us when we return home.
Standing in the kitchen the heart of every home, a place that requires all loving hands on deck to join in the preparation of the evening supper. Cooking together is a spiritual union in it’s self…
The scrabble game begins and I still reach for the dictionary to make sure I am not creating words to add an additional ten points to my score sheet. I am a horrible speller and roll on the floor when I am called on my ridiculous words I create…
I need to relax spooning on the couch for a quick nap; I am calm as I feel your chest rise with each breath pressing against my back. Your breath gently whisking my neck I begin to get goose bumps and press tighter into you.
Should we catch a late night movie at McMenamins? Should we grab a movie and stay snuggled? I should be writing… We both have emails to respond to before the day closes; maybe we should seek a hotub to soak in… mutual massage maybe a local brew and the favorite watering hole… beware libations tend to make me… well we will save that one for later…snicker!
Our kisses linger the butterflies are loose and magic is present… let me linger with you, let me caress you, let me know I am safe, let me love…
Mars Meadows lefever
2008

10 reasons to never trust a personal ad!

Below is my list of the Top Ten Most Overused Phrases In Personal Ads. If YOUR ad does not contain any of the following phrases, please contact me immediately!

10) "I live life to the fullest!"

(Is this really the most profound philosophical statement you can come up with? Dig a little deeper, Nietzsche.)


9) "Loves to laugh" or "Fun-loving"

(Wow, a person who enjoys laughter and fun. What a rare individual. I must meet her at once. Just once I'd like to see "loves to sob uncontrollably for days on end.")


8) "I'm ____ years old but I look MUCH younger!"

(Sure you do. And if I just did a couple more situps, I could still make the Kings starting lineup. Is self-delusion great or what?)


7) "I'm a down to earth..."

(If I see this phrase one more time, I'll... I'll... I don't know WHAT I'll do! I might be forced to actually turn off my computer and go interact with people in the REAL world. Okay, I probably wouldn't do anything THAT drastic. But you get the idea.)


6) "I can go from jeans to a cocktail dress in 10 minutes!"

(You must be very proud. I can't believe they haven't made this an Olympic event yet.)


5) "I'm a intelegent..."

(If you can't SPELL intelligent... do you see where I'm going with this? Class? Anyone?)


4) "I'm a typical (insert astrological sign here)."

(Astrology? Yeah, it's a science. I think they use it at NASA. I don't even know where to begin here. If you're looking for some insight into the nature of my character, don't ask me what my sign is. Talk to the Easter Bunny, he has the real inside track on me.)


3) "Sorry, I don't have a pic, but trust me, you won't be disappointed!"

(Trust me, I will.)


2) "Looking for THE ONE" or "Looking for my Soulmate"

(Really? These are the most fresh and original lines you can come up with? Your mother and I had such high hopes for you. Oh well, there's always trade school.)


And the Number One Most Overused Phrase In A Personal Ad is...

1) "Don't worry, I plan to loose (sic) the weight real soon."

(Ok, it's probably just me, but why am I still worried?)

Lets Talk Nudity....

Lets Talk Nudity…
So nudist are relatively a lifestyle in it’s self. Are you a nudist if you run around the house naked? Are you a nudist only if you join in all the other reindeer games and attend other public outings? Portland has some great nudist events, the nude bicycle ride, the nude swimming, nude bowling, nudist camps / resorts, and nudist beaches! So what makes you a nudist? I personally enjoy the beaches and local resorts; I love being naked or partially naked in my own home….
But if you talk to any true nudist, they will tell you that it is normal and I am not a real nudist. (I guess only if I am naked)… I did raise my kids seeing me naked and instilled the moral value that the body is a sanctuary not an object, but face it that was a handful of times on camping trips and in their youth. I would no more sit around naked today in front of my grown children than I would land on the moon. My children, grown adults now still pop in on me and I do not scurry for a towel or hiding place, but they are very private with their bodies now.
Nudists involve their children and find no shame in activities with other like-minded families. Do most nudist children grow up to be nudist? Or is this something they just grew up with, like my children? My kids know I still hit the nudist beaches and resorts, they know I am in an alternative lifestyle, but my lifestyle and nudist mix like oil and water? WHY? Is it because nudist believes we are all about sex and not nudity? Please someone out here has got to be able to explain this far better than I…. When attending the nudist beach I do not solicit sex from others, not do I at the PTA meetings, or the hockey games…. Ok once at a hockey game… I confuse, but I certainly wasn’t nude at the time!
So any input on this would be educational, fun and enlightening…
Let’s here from you!

Peace,
Mars
2008

Colorful World

I dwell in a big loud colorful world, where adversity and diversity meet the pavement. Just a couple things I savior:
Balloon Characters, roller coasters, children’s laughter, fat cats, pink anything, birthing babies, creative writing, dove soap, fire dancing, naked anything, fudge sundaes after midnight, bubblegum, diamonds, adventure, fishing, scrabble, nocturnal, travel, Thai food, hula hoops, photography, skinny dipping, boating, diamonds, storms, beetlejuice, recycling, elephants, drumming circles, high caloric foods, volunteering, hiking, Sauvie Island, shooting guns, snorkeling, full moons, numbers 24,15,13, Temple, art, chanting, daffodils (7), on and on and on…. To be continued still growing up!
Mars Meadows Lefever
2007

The Passenger

Passenger

I Am Just A Passenger, Who’s Smile Is Remembered And Who’s Toe Nails Are Always Polished. I Ride Through Life On The Tails Of Those I Meet.
Each Day A Different Trip, A Different Destination.
Right Now I Am In A Holding Pattern, So I Go To My Car In Hopes Of Capturing My Next Conquest.
The Gas Gauge Prompts Me To Believe
This Trip Will Be Short.
Bubble Gum And Beef Jerky Are Sure To Be
Found In The Clutter, Which Will Hold Me While
I Paint My Toes And Wonder.
It Would Be My Dream Job To Name Those Polishes, “Screaming Brats”, “Bold And Bitchy”, “Never Enough”, “Menopausal Maniac”,
“Damned Daughter”, “Chip Proof Reality Check”
Who Gives A Shit……Nails By Mars.

By: Mars Meadows
Dishman Center
Copyrights: Mars Lefever ©
Published 2003

G-Spot

Yummy what a delightful subject...Thank God both my husband and myself were born with big hands, but it does not take big hands to trigger all those nerve endings that send us into screaming ecstasy…. It is just having the courage to explore your partner with touch. Face it we are all grown up and if it doesn’t feel real keen I am sure you have a voice to state your discomfort or apprehensions!
So women are not the only one who has this magical stimulus, and I am certain there are plenty of men out there who will speak right up when and vouch for me…
The female Grafenburg spot, or G-spot, is a region that when stimulated can produce intense pleasure and sometimes orgasmic response. It's found about one-third up the vagina, towards the front, and is often thought of as the urethra sponge. The G-Spot is of your vagina that when stimulated, can cause women to orgasm and sometimes ejaculate. For some women, stimulating the G-Spot creates a more intense orgasm than clitoral stimulation. Not all women can have an orgasm through G-Spot stimulation.
It seems that men are always trying to figure out what pleases women, what gets them off -- but they never seem concerned about their own erogenous zones. Well, today is your day in the sun, gentlemen.
Simply put, you have managed to discover the male G-spot , or prostate gland, and letting her experiment in that area can unleash incredibly erotic possibilities. The prostate is a small gland, about the size of a condom, located within the perineum -- the area between your testicles and anus. It secretes prostatic fluid, the main component of semen.
When the prostate is stimulated, it can intensify a man's orgasm like crazy. The prostate can be reached internally by inserting a lubricated finger in the anus, or for the bolder ones, sex toys. Gently massaging that gland can produce explosive orgasms for many men.
In men, there really is no identical 'spot'. The prostate is found by placing a well-lubricated finger inside the anus. Once you feel the sensation of pushing against a walnut-sized lump, you have reached the prostate. Pressing or rubbing it creates an intense pleasurable sensation for most men.
Some people feel very negatively about touching the anus. However, if you wish to give your man 'extraordinary pleasure', stimulating his prostate is what you want to learn how to do. Because this gland is in an area where nerve endings are concentrated, it's easily aroused, often resulting in an intense orgasm. Obviously, this is something that many men find a relief and a delight.

Fuck On…..
Miss Mars