03-19-09

I am in such a whirlwind of emotions right now, some days I do not resemble myself... I am trapped in the heart of two and I feel like at any time someone should tie me in a bag and throw me over the bridge... I am trying to sort through it all, play it over and over through my head and I just cannot see an easy way to resolve this. My gut instinct tells me to run... run and run fast... That is my true MO... I tend to run when I feel cornered, confined. The bottom line is... I am not ready or healthy enough to be in a relationship right now... How unfair is that to say to someone. I do not feel I can commit to anyone. I feel so blessed to have met these men, but there are times I think regardless of how great this feels right now... It is not fair to either man. How did I find myself in this situation? How did I ever allow things to go this far? I am more confused than ever now... I think a day at the shore is what the doctor ordered, no cell phones, no internet, just me and the sound of the crashing waves... I chant for resolve, I try to be true, I try to love... I just do not think I am capable right now. I have had my one great love, and as much as it pained to end it, I also realize I am in a far better place, that does not mean it has been easy, it means till I can stop placing expectations on others to bring those butterfly feelings back into my stomach and realize I do deserve to be happy, I think it is only then I will be able to move forward. I am also afraid of being tied down... I like this free spirit I have found... I like who I have been re-inventing... I like the woman she is... I want to travel, I want to rest, I want to replace my bike and go... I am the gypsy I have created... I need the sunshine, I need to care for my kids, I need to be able to support myself, I need to be able to write, I need to be able to get back in the studio with my art, I need to escape... Some days I cannot breath, I am loved, and I am scared!
Mars