Re-Inventing Miss Mars: 2008

Bi-Sexuality…
Acceptance: Men verses Women

This was a suggestion given to me by one of the group members to get me to start thinking and spreading my writings amongst us all…. Maybe I should turn off the Ani DeFranco, she can be so radical and turn on some great Brazilian Music so I can be fair in my opinions and get my groove on. It is no secret that I have not been contributing in writing for a few months now. But the sun has vanished, the damp dark days are here and being single, you would think I had plenty of time to write… Oh contraire…. I having been having the time of my life and I actually thought that I should write a blog or something about my great capers, the people, the creative imaginations, and the passion that runs thick through the veins of us Oregonians! I have met and experienced the joy that each one has brought me…. I can honestly say that there are tremendous amounts of people out there who are kind generous and so accepting to whatever Vanilla or Kink you could ask for… I am also seeing some outside the lifestyle so I truly want to be discreet to some fashion. … So here we go I would like to remind everyone my writing is solely my own opinions and I am no authority on any one subject… I just like to dive in and waken my brains…

●My own self-discovery…

When I was going through that 'awkward' age of puberty with my friends, I started to realize that I was different than the friends I knew. All of my friends seemed to be attracted to the opposite sex, but not me! I pretty much considered myself to be asexual. No identity no preference just this gapping whole of void emptiness. To fit in, I pretended to like boys, but I rarely dated, most the people I held close to me were considered just friends.
I did eventually dated boys while in high school and the times were so different than today, but when we dated there was no stronger commitments from either party, It was like having a great group of fuck buddies, and many are still dear friends of mine today (my big chill group). I never realized porn was out there and if I did I would have no idea even what to look up… I just knew that so often I was going through the motions think there certainly has to be more to this than I am receiving! My young cohorts were fun, spontaneous and have etched and impressionable image in my heart and brain forever, however I longed for a different form of passion, kink, and I had no idea it even existed. I took pride in my "control" over my sex drive, as it helped me build a sense of morality. Truth is, my sexuality was still buried deep inside. Screaming to be found….

●Then…

I was on a weekend rendezvous to Palm Springs where I met an older boy from Portland also. It was a monumental relationship for me. We partied like rock stars, blew loads of cocaine (yes that was prevalent back then), we attended this alternative party and for the first time I was exposed to different sexualities. I was awe struck and could not imagine that I was in this tremendous collection of diverse people… before the night was over my new found friend was curled up next to me, as another boy rested his head in John’s lap… Along came a spider and who literally took her own liberties with me. In a crowded room, filled with essence of marijuana and poor disco playing in the distance. She kisses me and suddenly I could feel my closet door busting to open. John would look over at me kiss my hand and return to his peaceful place. I never knew this girls name but she simply struck me as one of the most beautiful women on the planet, caramel skin with red tones in her tight curly hair, she reminded me of that taboo album cover put out by the Ohio Players called honey… she would brush the hair from my face and kiss my finger tips, as she caressed my breasts and kissed me with such carnal passion, I never wanted to leave her company.

That night came to a close and within days I was sitting on a plane heading back to Oregon wondering if I would ever run into this magical man John when I returned and pondered on what lay ahead for both of us…. I knew I had finally found my way to my true place in my sexuality… However, it was not that simple… I still had friends, family, congregation (Jewish) and community that I could not share this enormous discovery of un-bridled passion with. So, I silently lived in a repressed state.

John returned to Portland and swept me off my feet, he was like no one I had ever met, and we were inseparable. My friends were worried; they thought he was too old… (LOL, looking back he was 5 years older than me). They thought he bought me lavish gifts…he did! He got me fake ID and suddenly I found my mix in the under belly of Portland. Yes, Embers was still here just located on Park Avenue at the time. There was this great club called “Up The Down Staircase”, “The Family Zoo” (up by Powell’s Bookstore and close to 12th,) and a handful more. The only lesbian spot was at the “Magical Gardens” (still here) in the Pearl and that place simply scared the Hell out of me. I think today it is a very low-end stripper joint?

I was so lean and stood, 5’10 naked and 6’2 or 6’3 in my huge stacked shoes; I cropped my curly red hair short and died it platinum…. My family freaked out.… John loved dressing me like a doll so that I looked fabulous when I went out with him I was represented by him and he wanted me to be divine at all times. We both recognized our bi-sexuality, so if neither of us scored after a night at the clubs we would gladly return to the comfort of one another’s bed, I felt so safe and so loved. Life seemed so simple, yet this huge secret was embedded within me.

One day out of the blue. People started being called Tami? No, I am Mars! Really they would respond… for weeks this went on when I was downtown or clubbing… Tami… who is she? Then one day I was coming down the stairs at the “Up The Down Staircase” and my eyes met hers and I knew who she was the minute I laid my eyes on her she was ascending closer to me as I descended with great anxiety. We met almost in the middle of the stairs and we just smiled, she said you are Mars… and I said you are Tami! We were almost like mirrored twins or the person John had created me to look like. We were both wearing, skintight gold lamay pants, and huge stacked heels. I will never forget that. Our faces were painted like disco divas and we connected to one another like were twin’s split at birth. John kept us both in drinks as we danced huffing poppers and dripping in sweat. We were so engaged with one another that we could not keep our hands of one another… She pinned me against the wall in the ladies room and kissed me, I could feel my life force vibrated and my pussy dripped with desire, and John knew I was not coming to his place that night he just smiled. John was single handedly one of my dearest friends I lost him years later to AIDS, he was living in San Francisco with his male lover and was a male model. I still visit him at his resting place when I visit the San Francisco.

So I went home with Tami that night and I recall a young man named Raymond her housemate came in and said “ For Christ Sakes, Ladies be quiet” I recall pulling the covers over our heads and giggling. Soon the sun was up and I did not want that night to end….

●Coming Out!

Tami was at my family home and we were in the bathroom primping we jumped into the shower and started making un-bridled love. Then all at once my world came crashing down (so I thought), my Mother, fell open the shower door and saw us performing acts I am sure she did not know were possible. I screamed at her to leave, I cried out of fear, Tami just giggled and that pissed me off more… I was confused scared I was going to be thrown out, Abandoned by my family I loved so much. How could I bear my face outside that bathroom, Tami thought it was just a bunch of bullshit so she threw her stuff in a bag and split leaving me their paralyzed. After about an hour of sitting on the floor of the shower freezing cold, scared and hurt my Mother said baby can I please come in? I just cried! My mother covered me with a towel, lifted me to my feet and held me tight to her. She kissed my forehead, wiped my tears, she wept and I wiped her tears… what a disappointment I must be! My Mother just begged me to stop crying and kept repeating how loved I was, I thought she had already called the family Dr. and any minute they were coming for me to lock me up and deprogram me… But that was not the case at all. My Mother told me I was special, so special because I had the ability to love anyone! I will never forget her compassion, her sense of understanding, I trusted her, so for awhile it was our secret and then in time Tami and I were acting out openly in front of my family and the general population. My life had been altered. I thank my Mother for that moment of grace and humiliation she spared me from that day.

Tami was my first women lover and it was some time till I could find another that I would connect to like I did her. Tami ended up moving to LA about three years after we met with her housemate Raymond. Their were plenty of up’s and down’s in that relationship but we always seemed to remedy it. Jealousy and drugs played a big party of both of our destruction.

I came to realize very quickly how others would respond. I lost nearly every childhood friend, girlfriends avoided me, boy friends wanted to get jiggy with me and another woman, and it was all so disgusting and troublesome. I had one friend tell me I was no longer to contact her or attend any of her family functions which I had for years. We have since then mended that fence”. So I held my head high and from that day forward and never regretted my “My Coming Out”. True friends NEVER abandon you.

●Misconceptions…

· Misconception: Bisexuals are just confused!
I actually heard this opinion from a gay friend of mine. I find this very ironic, considering that homosexuality is sometimes attributed to confusion by heterosexuals. I am bisexual, and that means I am capable of being attracted to and falling in love with members of either sex. I don't see any reason to limit myself to either gender. However, I have realized that Lesbians have always been my biggest challenge. They are the only group I have found who treat me as though I should be walking backwards in the pride parade! They do not play with bi-woman and that is still holds pretty true.
· Misconception: The concepts of bisexuality and exclusivity are incompatible!
I can see how people might think this. A bisexual does not, simply by being bisexual, require romantic or sexual attention from members of both sexes. Yes, some bisexuals probably have both a boyfriend and a girlfriend, but this is easily comparable to having more than one boyfriend or more than one girlfriend. It has nothing to do with bisexuality. Rather, gender is of little importance to a person who is bisexual. I hold the ideal of open dialog and communication to any person I am playing with high regard. My bisexuality only becomes relevant when I am seeking a new romantic partner.
●Truth

I do not claim to know everything about being bisexual, though I have learned a lot in this lifetime. It basically comes down to this much: when I am looking for a special relationship, why does it have to be with a man? For that matter, why can't it be? I honestly don't see the need for any limitations. I love beyond the constraints of others thought processes, and come to realize that if they have a problem with my sexuality then “IT is their problem”, not mine! I can only be true to self and those I surround myself with. My children grew up always knowing my stance and accepted all my partners… well some better than others! But Bi-Sexuals are not a threat to anyone.
● Acceptance
This is where the challenge comes n and I certain hope that some of the bi-males will speak up and help me with this. Just like when I was a young girl and first came out, men have always accepted me sexuality and would relish in joining in with two women. BUT, when it comes to men there appears that being openly bisexual makes the hair standup on the backs of most men’s neck. To witness, engage or participate it is very apparent that there is a strong Homo-phobic tense when bi-men declare their sexuality to other men. And honestly to most women as well!
● The Question?
WHY? Why would females partaking be any different than men partaking? Why are men shunned and forced to express their passion for one another behind closed doors? I honestly think that bi-sexual men are most likely the most discriminated populaces along with the transgender… What do you have to fear about someone else being true to his or her own sexuality? It is not contagious; it is not forced upon you, where were you taught along your journey that what two consenting partners do is your business? NOT! It goes back to my basic stance, “Just Because It Is Different, Does Not Make It Wrong! “I still think Obama should have coined my phrase!” if it is not your cup of tea then don’t drink it, but it is certainly not your place to shun or judge people because you are uncomfortable. Hate Crimes in America are at an all time high…
http://www.fbi.gov/ucr/hc2007/table_01.htm
On April 23, 1990, Congress passed the Hate Crime Statistics Act. This law required the Attorney General to collect data “about crimes that manifest evidence of prejudice based on race, religion, sexual orientation, or ethnicity.” The Attorney General delegated the responsibilities of developing the procedures for implementing, collecting, and managing hate crime data to the Director of the FBI, who in turn assigned the tasks to the Uniform Crime Reporting (UCR) Program. Under the direction of the Attorney General and with the cooperation and assistance of many local and state law enforcement agencies, the UCR Program created a hate crime data collection system to comply with the congressional mandate. The UCR Program’s first publication on the subject was Hate Crime Statistics, 1990: A Resource Book, which was a compilation of hate crime data reported by 11 states that had collected them under state authority in 1990 and were willing to offer their data as a prototype. The UCR Program continued to work with agencies familiar with investigating hate crimes and collecting related information so that it could develop and implement a more uniform method of data collection on a nationwide scale. Hate Crime Statistics, 1992, presented the first data reported by law enforcement agencies across the country that participated in UCR hate crime data collection.
Lawmakers amended the Hate Crime Statistics Act to include bias against persons with disabilities by passing the Violent Crime and Law Enforcement Act of 1994 in September of that year. The FBI started gathering data for the additional bias type on January 1, 1997. Finally, the Church Arson Prevention Act, which was signed into law in July 1996, removed the sunset clause from the original statute and mandated that hate crime data collection become a permanent part of the UCR Program.
In the earlier years victims would not come forward so things were kind skewed. But today we all have a voice and we should use it in our own circles when someone passes judgment, otherwise you are no different than the offenders….
Think about it…
Miss Mars 11-09-08

A fragment of what slightly resembles me, my face is tear trodden and swallow with sorrow. It feels like birds are picking at my brain and I an only wish I still had a gun. I recall the scene from steel magnolias as when they guns were fired and the birds fled from every tall tree… I am not so sure they would find there way through my maze of emotion to free them. However if the load was lifted in the slightest I may once again see the smile that lurks in this darkness. Betrayal is looming and the thought raises my pulse to one of a marathoners. I am no longer in a healthy relationship. I can no longer hold back my disappointment and resentments. I am so madly in love with the man, and he only is capable of giving me what is left at the end piercing sounds are vibrating in my head foggy notions which spell disaster repeatedly echo from within I have lost my balance and way to see the clarity that once encompassed me. Old patterns ring with sorrow as I try and find a way through his addiction that is self-absorbed, hurtful. In his intimate prescriptions justifying them all, they are like his lifeblood, and I can no longer prescribe. I am tired of smiling and pretending his desire is to dwell amongst the fallen is acceptable and resolving; while crocodiles lurk closely ready to devour my remains the minute I stumble. I am dancing with the crocodiles and they are much better at the two step than I ever thought possible. I long to crawl up within myself and wait for someone to save me from this emotional fuck I have created with all my bullshit of acceptance. I am the ticket, perched in the corner, watching the insanity encompass me. I have allowed the behaviors such behaviors in hopes he would love me … but the crocodiles are gaining and I to weak to challenge…..If they could only swallow me whole remove me from this nightmare, But I am growing old, and weary long before my time. I love him so. Let him go…

Mars Meadows Lefever ©
June 2007

Re-Inventing Miss Mars

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Bi-Sexuality… Acceptance: Men verses Women

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If I Could, I Would Have…

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Crocodiles

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