Limes

She wakes and the smell of lime lingers through the room, fogged with dust and the odor of dogs. As she pulls her head from the pillow I hear the ice cubes jar the glass. It is some what a calming sound, like wind-chimes. With each slow sip she reminds me of my parents. Fogged by gin, yet the smell of the lime clouds my memory of that time. Her eyes twinkle as she smiles and slurs as she professes her love. I revert to a safe place within myself as she continues to jabber nothing of importance, as the lime controls my memories... distant yet raw. She needs to go...

all my secrets...

cluttered in drama...

I close my eyes and

feel my soul harboring

smiles and tears...

if you look closely you

can see the secrets are me...

I am alive again....

It is virtually crazy how time has passed an with each waking day I develop a great sense of self... I really never though I would be in a permanent relationship again... yet here I am finding myself not only in a relationship but actually living with someone. I really could not think of a better place to be. I have found a genuine soul... Very different, so kind, so generous, he has my best interest all the time. 
I have come a long ways from a lifestyle that was killing me slowly. It took great determination to self dissect myself and clearly see the faults of mine that were polluting  my soul and spirit. 
I took the biggest leap in my own human experience to allow love in and to actually be taught what a loving relationship looked like. To completely trust in faith to guide me to this  place. 
He is broken in arenas as I am as well but together we seem to be able to communicate and forge forward in healing one another. 
Today I am just where I belong! Living, Learning and Loving!

Heart

I have heart....
No one can take that from me!

As I sit in my studio I look out at the garden. Outside the last leaves unfold as flowers open. I like the openness and light, the trees in every shade of green. I even observe the women walking their dogs down the street. But time is finite and such experiences are not enough.
In spare moments, I find myself yearning to head back to the coast, to spend a day or two on a short rocky beach, to explore tide pools and ancient lava flows. It seems so far away yet I close my eyes and I am there.
I find myself kneeling on a rocky bluff near the shore. In front of me an impression in the stone holds water. In the water, small crabs burl under rocks, star fish cling to hard surfaces, and small fish dart from side to side. As I watch I feel a hand on my arm and feel you near me.
I do not really know where you came from. One day I reached out through the darkness and you were there.
Since then, we touch each other lightly, listen with our eyes, and share with ever nod and jester. There is a flow between us as constant as the waves against the shore. There is a softness that enfolds us. Life is precious with you; every moment is a celebration of our own existence.

Razor Love

He cuts my heart like a razor; I want him to trust, to accept and to grow with. I continue to bleed longing for him… I desire to reach out and touch him, to hold him close and lift his burdens; just long enough for him to breath, just long enough for him to love...

Spring

Spring has come, rain ponds against my window at night. Cleansing my heart, washing away doubts, reorganizing my spirit. My imagination takes me to all the corners of my mind, processing, analyzing, as I lay there and listen to the sound of life. I can see the apple and cherry blossoms from my bed… The smell of the roses just beginning to bloom and the sweet, sweet of lilac rising to my window. I close my eyes and find myself absorbing the goodness that surrounds me. Spring has come...

Rambling....

I really have no idea where this is going, I just know I have this urge to write... Write about my feelings and how I feel they are all over the board... This is not the first time I have felt this form of confusion, passion or even love for another. I will say it has been some time though... I never saw it coming! He blindsided me with all his charm. I found myself behaving like a teenager and it felt wonderful. I beamed every time the phone rang, I could not wait to wake to see if he had left me another wonder greeting to start my day. I miss him! I am thrilled to know I can still feel... I am no longer numb, I am capable of loving and being loved... I am also capable of the suffering... that is the part the scars us. Each scar we form a bit of callous around us to buffer us from the next blow. Well I choose not to suffer but to rejoice in all the joy he brought me. To be thankful for the lessons I have learned along the way... I can never be accused of not loving, nor would I want to be. My heart has many cracks some deeper than others and at times it feels like my life force is escaping me. I am eager to find a partner, one who is in it for better or worse... One who equal, one who is strong, one with integrity, one who walks with me, one who can hold on, one who dreams, one who believes in magic, one who believes in love, one on one... I guess I am still hopefully to find that one!I believe in love. I believe in me.

03-19-09

I am in such a whirlwind of emotions right now, some days I do not resemble myself... I am trapped in the heart of two and I feel like at any time someone should tie me in a bag and throw me over the bridge... I am trying to sort through it all, play it over and over through my head and I just cannot see an easy way to resolve this. My gut instinct tells me to run... run and run fast... That is my true MO... I tend to run when I feel cornered, confined. The bottom line is... I am not ready or healthy enough to be in a relationship right now... How unfair is that to say to someone. I do not feel I can commit to anyone. I feel so blessed to have met these men, but there are times I think regardless of how great this feels right now... It is not fair to either man. How did I find myself in this situation? How did I ever allow things to go this far? I am more confused than ever now... I think a day at the shore is what the doctor ordered, no cell phones, no internet, just me and the sound of the crashing waves... I chant for resolve, I try to be true, I try to love... I just do not think I am capable right now. I have had my one great love, and as much as it pained to end it, I also realize I am in a far better place, that does not mean it has been easy, it means till I can stop placing expectations on others to bring those butterfly feelings back into my stomach and realize I do deserve to be happy, I think it is only then I will be able to move forward. I am also afraid of being tied down... I like this free spirit I have found... I like who I have been re-inventing... I like the woman she is... I want to travel, I want to rest, I want to replace my bike and go... I am the gypsy I have created... I need the sunshine, I need to care for my kids, I need to be able to support myself, I need to be able to write, I need to be able to get back in the studio with my art, I need to escape... Some days I cannot breath, I am loved, and I am scared!
Mars