My Baby Gabe

Dearest Gabe…
Well here I sit writing my sweet baby boy once again it was really nice to see you on Sunday. It seemed odd to me to be able to see you two times in one week. I am sorry that I got emotional on you. It is hard for me as well as it is for you. I am so sorry you are having to endure such a suffering and can only hope that a part of you remains in tact. I Love you so much and it is hard for me to accept the terms of your confinement.

Then there is the other side that kicks in and reminds me you were doing some pretty bad things and if you were not stopped it may have just escalated. I was losing you and I beat myself up all the time wishing I could have done things differently. You are a good kid but lets face it you were you to some pretty shifty stuff. I give you credit for being such a hard worker and putting on a front to make me believe differently…. it worked. It just feel’s icky. I feel like I can share anything with you, I trust you 100% and Gabriel that is hard. I hope you know how much I love you and would do anything to assist you, but you really did know the risks you were running and I think once you come to terms with the internal part that is still suffering and try to understand it all, you will finally have some peace.

This is certainly not because of the way you were raised, some horrific trauma, some broken heart. You had all the tools to better yourself and you choose to become self-abusive. All the talks, all the nights up with you, so that you could drown yourself with substances to numb a broken heart. Son you have matured more in the last eight months than you have in two years. I am so sorry this is the only way you had to become clean and realize no one is worth doing time for…..NO ONE!

So where do we go from here? I can only hope you come out a healthy man ready to accomplish great things. The world is yours for the asking. You can do what ever you put your mind to! You have great family support, we are all willing to help you any way we can. That is far more than many have in there! If you can adjust to prison, life on the outside should be a cakewalk. It hurts me to see you are suffering and things are getting to you…. They are always going to get to you…. One of Barb’s favorite statements is show up, shut up and smile…. NO ONE in there is worth your freedom…. NO ONE! They may have you by the balls but baby they can never take your spirit…. That is yours!

You may meet some really nice people just like yourself, first timers but remember not to absorb their problems, it will only make your time harder. I am hopeful that by summers end you will be minimum and if you are not transferred by then you will get a great job that brings you a bit of joy. I chant for your happiness and peace of mind daily. Do you chant at all? I will call Dave Hopper tomorrow and see if he can get some Buddhist literature to you quickly. It is very hard if you do not have the books for study.

I keep getting people who say they are going to write you (pen-pals) so please tell me if you get any mail ok? I hope Joel is able to come see you soon… I know it meant the world to you to see him. I must admit I know how much you admire Tyler but really think about how his life is turning out… I love all my kids but Gabriel, Tyler is not the one you should idolize, he is not mature at all and is stuck in a ghetto mind set. You are better than that….. I know you love him, we all do but you need to surround yourself with people who want to achieve a higher quality of life.
I love you deeply, I continue to chant for resolve, peace for you and freedom for all of us.
Mama
The Momster