Crocodiles

A fragment of what slightly resembles me, my face is tear trodden and swallow with sorrow. It feels like birds are picking at my brain and I an only wish I still had a gun. I recall the scene from steel magnolias as when they guns were fired and the birds fled from every tall tree… I am not so sure they would find there way through my maze of emotion to free them. However if the load was lifted in the slightest I may once again see the smile that lurks in this darkness. Betrayal is looming and the thought raises my pulse to one of a marathoners. I am no longer in a healthy relationship. I can no longer hold back my disappointment and resentments. I am so madly in love with the man, and he only is capable of giving me what is left at the end piercing sounds are vibrating in my head foggy notions which spell disaster repeatedly echo from within I have lost my balance and way to see the clarity that once encompassed me. Old patterns ring with sorrow as I try and find a way through his addiction that is self-absorbed, hurtful. In his intimate prescriptions justifying them all, they are like his lifeblood, and I can no longer prescribe. I am tired of smiling and pretending his desire is to dwell amongst the fallen is acceptable and resolving; while crocodiles lurk closely ready to devour my remains the minute I stumble. I am dancing with the crocodiles and they are much better at the two step than I ever thought possible. I long to crawl up within myself and wait for someone to save me from this emotional fuck I have created with all my bullshit of acceptance. I am the ticket, perched in the corner, watching the insanity encompass me. I have allowed the behaviors such behaviors in hopes he would love me … but the crocodiles are gaining and I to weak to challenge…..If they could only swallow me whole remove me from this nightmare, But I am growing old, and weary long before my time. I love him so. Let him go…

Mars Meadows Lefever ©
June 2007